Building up enough nerve

I am trying to build up enough nerve to go and ask my manager whether I can take over the project. Exclude the vendor. Call them when we need them.

If I do this. All blame is on me. All pressure is on me.

But I am in control.

And I never let me down.

Next year is going to be a long year

2009 is going to be long and hard. I thought this year was going to be long and hard. It was. I barely made it to the end. There is nothing worse than realizing that the talent on a project is so under par and defects in the software take everything out of your control.

I just want the software in my hands. I know that I can configure it and get it loaded provided it does not have any bugs. I know that I can fight with the vendor to get the bugs worked out.

I am going to be a bad ass this year.

4 more minutes until I leave for the bus. Screw it. Just leave now. I am just piddle farting.

Wow this is my 100th post. How sad. God I hope things improve for me by this time next year.

Focus on the job

Man...I need to wind up. Today was going to be a productive day...until I found out that the Vendor is out on vacation or in Bogota. I have something to do tomorrow. Today was just wasted. I could not get my act in gear to get something accomplished. I worked on a project plan. I started working on some reporting. All over the place.

Tomorrow I will be more focused. Pick something and go with it. Take it to its conclusion. Rather than starting 3 things and finishing nothing.

These days happen. They feel wasted.

$13 million take home

The next lottery is worth $26 million. That means after taxes, you take home $13 million.

What I would do with $13 million.

Buy a home for $700,000. You can get a McMansion for $700,000.


Get season tickets to football team



Get membership to local country club



Get season tickets to local musical theatre

Think about starting a master's in creative writing

Hire a personal trainer


Get myself in shape
Read books
Travel to Italy

The economy news

The problem with being at work is that you start reading the news websites. The problem with the news websites is that they are trying to scare you out of the market and scare you into being submissive to your employer.

I for one am no longer scared. I work hard. I come to work everyday to accomplish something. I have never once sat at my desk with the intention of letting the day pass by. I have to accomplish something each day.

As for the economy. People still need to purchase things. Someone has to sell what we purchase. Someone has to build what they sell. The stuff that they build our purchases from was purchased by someone who was sold to by another.

I wait. I profit.

I feel sorry for those that just retired. I hope the economy bounces back fast for them. I feel sorry for those who have lost their jobs. I hope they find a job in an exciting new high growth industry.

I really want to win the lottery.

Vendor demo

I am watching demos recorded on a computer from the vendor. The vendor is demonstrating some scenarios on their software.

He clearly has no idea what he is doing.

I am so discouraged.

I can't tell if it is the software or his lack of experience.

Small software companies suck.

Cold rainy day

Today is raining, cold and the last day of vacation. Vacation's go so fast. You can't control time. I wish you could.

I am going to sit and watch football. I can't lie down without coughing my ass off.

Princess is hanging out in the rocker next to me. The rest of the cats are outside. Crazy cats.

Desire and Aspiration

There are of course very different kinds of desires. On the one hand there is the worldly desire for material goods, name and fame, and on the other hand there is the desire to become a better person, to be more self giving and thoughtful. Sri Chinmoy calls this not desire, but aspiration - the desire to grow in something better, more fulfilling and to discover who we really are.

“A desire-intoxicated man, like Julius Caesar, wants to say to the world: “I came, I saw, I conquered.” An aspiring inspiration-man wants to say to the world: “I came, I loved and I am becoming inseparably one with you.”

- Sri Chinmoy (poems on desire at Poetseers.org)

Sometimes life feels a pull between two forces - on the one hand we have the life of desire - the Mercedez Benz and worldly appreciation - the other life of aspiration, is to live in the heart and become a better person. The one life gives fleeting pleasures, and at times can seem easier because everyone else is doing it. The other seems to require more self effort. But, the more we seek to become a better person, the more we appreciation the benefits of aspiration and the less we feel the necessity for countless desires. Indeed we often look back and say ‘Why did I have such a strong desire to be a famous footballer when young?” - the lives of famous people are rarely more satisfying and fulfilling than normal people.

Darryl reading session II

Man, Darryl is lazy. Smart but Lazy. He has zero focus. I think that is what left me exhausted. My son is lazy. He is so cute and kind. But I need to kick his ass a little.

I had to give him an ultimatum to spell every frigging word. He kept trying all these diversion tactics. Dadda, I can't spell unless I have my blanky. Dadda, I cannot spell unless I have my handcups (handcuffs). Dadda, what if we go outside instead?

JUST SPELL 'CAT'!!! You have spelled 'AT'! You have spelled 'BAT'! You have spelled 'MAT'!

SPELL CAT!!!

Dadda, I can't spell if you are yelling at me.

Spell it or you don't get any more Ritz crackers.

C-A-T

Thank you....

But I will wear him down. He has no idea how neurotic his father can be. He will read by Dec 22nd 2009. He loves being read to. He knows how to spell and read....he just needs a carrot in front of him 24 hours a day and the carrot needs to grow and change.

He also learned OX, BOX and SOX. And TR, TRUCK, TREE.

Blogger software

My new idea is to create a blogger software that allows people to play with more template choices. I will store the templates in the executable. I will take all the free templates available.

Obstacles:

- What if no one wants it.
- Learn how to create a java/.net executable

This seems to be the easiest idea to implement.

Job return anxiety

I am getting stressed about returning to work on Monday. I have rarely checked my email. I hate my coworkers. If I look at my email..one of them is writing something that is going to piss me off. If they need me they can phone me. I need to rest for next year. Next year the vendors return and the software implementation proceeds. I still think the vendor has no idea what they are doing. Everyone thinks there are big changes. No big changes. All the same. I was just covering it up by cleaning up.

My Lexapro and Wellbutrin don't seem like they are working very well. But I have been drinking a lot of wine and coffee with no excercise. I think I am countering the effects of the medication. Good one Jeff.

I need to focus on meditations and not goals. I need to balance both. I don't think it is good that I just focus on being in a state of complete bliss, because I do have things that I need to take care of.

On Monday, I am going to arrive and work. I am going to review James' webEx. I am going to drink no coffee. I am going to wait for Abdula to show up to work at 4:00 pm and quiz me on what happened today, so that he can give management an update.

I need to focus on:

1) Getting things done
2) Being at peace

Home owner's associations

Today, I am tired. I helped Isadora rip the plumbagoes (plants) out of the front garden. I destroyed the front garden. She was taking her time and being delicate. I came along with a pick ax, an axe and a shovel. Done in 20 minutes. Dirt and roots everywhere. Conan the Garden Destroyer.

We got a home owner association letter telling us to plant more robust bushes. In the South, every neighborhood has a home owners association. They are little old ladies that run around and issue citations against infractions against the home owner association by laws. It is totally communist. Growing up in the 80's all I heard was that the Soviets dictated every aspect of a person's life. In the South, I am paying my mortgage, but I feel like I am renting it from the home owner's association. Total BS.

America is not free.

I mean really. I lived in the North for 27 years without a home owners association. No person ever painted their house pink with yellow polka dots and brought down the home value of the neighborhood. They act like if the home owners association would go away, we would all go crazy! My house is a disgusting mint green. How did this pass inspection? I would never have painted my house mint green. They are complaining about the plumbagoes? They need to look up.

Boxing day party in the South

Gotta love Wikipedia

Boxing Day dates back to past centuries when it was the custom for the wealthy to give gifts to employees or to people in a lower social class, most especially to household servants and other service personnel. The name has numerous folk etymologies^[3].

As with Christmas itself, some elements of Boxing Day are also likely related to, and ultimately derived from, the ancient Roman Saturnalia, which also had elements of gift giving and social role reversal.^{[citation needed]}

The name 'Boxing Day' originates from the tradition of putting gifts in boxes for the less fortunate.

We went next door to celebrate Boxing day. I don't remember celebrating Boxing day with a party in the North. We usually went shopping for sales when we were teenagers and just wanted to get out of the house. When we got older and wanted to avoid the crowds, we sat home and read and watched movies.

Last night we ate and drank. My neighbors are Welsh. They love hard alcohol. Gotta say. I cannot drink hard alcohol. I thought I was going to hurl. Our neighbor spends his weekends with a hard drink and a cigarette. I guess his job is stressful. He is a nice guy. He is not an alcoholic. There are just some groups of people that can drink the hard stuff on a regular basis. I drank wine coolers when I was in high school and college. It wasn't until I got poor in University that I turned to beer.

I have no interest in shopping on Black Friday. It is a total scam. They have a couple of items on sale and the rest....is marked as a sale...but the regular price is marked higher than normal.

You want to save money. Stay home. The stores have gotten too smart. They purposely disorganize/organize the store to slow you down. The slower they can get you to go, the more you will purchase. They put the items that you are more likely to purchase at the back or middle of the store, so that you have to walk through the store.

They are trying to get your money.

Stay home.

Teaching Darryl to read

Well this is going to be more difficult than I thought. He does not have very good focus. We haven't pushed him at all. I like screaming at him for encouragement. He hates it. I laugh.

We focused on CAT, MAT, BAT yesterday. Cuh and AT. Mmm and At. Buh and AT.

I don't think he will remember. I need to spend more time with him reading. I need to get books that are simple.

ICE Developer

I could become an independent contract for integrating company's ETRM's with ICE via their API.

Hurdles:

- Learning all the ETRM's
- Legal conflict with work
- Limited amount of clientele
- How to integrate with their ETRM off site
- Working the weekends

New idea

Create a software that links in with all social websites:

Friendster
Blogger
MySpace
Facebook
Hotmail
Google.

You have it all at your finger tips in a GUI.

The difficulty:

- I have to learn all their API's.
- I have to learn MySQL, PHP and Javascript
- API's are constantly changing
- Some API's seem unstable

Habits of successful people....

1. They look for and find opportunities where others see nothing.

2. They find a lesson while others only see a problem.

3. They are solution focused.

4. They consciously and methodically create their own success, while others hope success will
find them.

5. They are fearful like everyone else, but they are not controlled or limited by fear.

6. They ask the right questions - the ones which put them in a productive, creative, positive mindset and emotional state.

7. They rarely complain (waste of energy). All complaining does is put the complainer in a negative and unproductive state.

8. They don't blame (what's the point?). They take complete responsibility for their actions and outcomes (or lack thereof).

9. While they are not necessarily more talented than the majority, they always find a way to maximise their potential. They get more out of themselves. They use what they have more effectively.

10. They are busy, productive and proactive. While most are laying on the couch, planning, over-thinking, sitting on their hands and generally going around in circles, they are out there getting the job done.

11. They align themselves with like-minded people. They understand the importance of being part of a team. They create win-win relationships.

12. They are ambitious; they want amazing - and why shouldn't they? They consciously choose to live their best life rather than spending it on auto-pilot.

13. They have clarity and certainty about what they want (and don't want) for their life. They actually visualise and plan their best reality while others are merely spectators of life.

14. They innovate rather than imitate.

15. They don't procrastinate and they don't spend their life waiting for the 'right time'.

16. They are life-long learners. They constantly work at educating themselves, either formally (academically), informally (watching, listening, asking, reading, student of life) or experientially (doing, trying)... or all three.

17. They are glass half full people - while still being practical and down-to-earth. They have an ability to find the good.

18. They consistently do what they need to do, irrespective of how they are feeling on a given day. They don't spend their life stopping and starting.

19. They take calculated risks - financial, emotional, professional, psychological.

20. They deal with problems and challenges quickly and effectively, they don't put their head in the sand. They face their challenges and use them to improve themselves.

21. They don't believe in, or wait for fate, destiny, chance or luck to determine or shape their future. They believe in, and are committed to actively and consciously creating their own best life.

22. While many people are reactive, they are proactive. They take action before they have to.

23. They are more effective than most at managing their emotions. They feel like we all do but they are not slaves to their emotions.

24. They are good communicators and they consciously work at it.

25. They have a plan for their life and they work methodically at turning that plan into a reality. Their life is not a clumsy series of unplanned events and outcomes.

26. Their desire to be exceptional means that they typically do things that most won't. They become exceptional by choice. We're all faced with live-shaping decisions almost daily. Successful people make the decisions that most won't and don't.

27. While many people are pleasure junkies and avoid pain and discomfort at all costs, successful people understand the value and benefits of working through the tough stuff that most would avoid.

28. They have identified their core values (what is important to them) and they do their best to live a life which is reflective of those values.

29. They have balance. While they may be financially successful, they know that the terms money and success are not interchangeable. They understand that people who are successful on a financial level only, are not successful at all. Unfortunately we live in a society which teaches that money equals success. Like many other things, money is a tool. It's certainly not a bad thing but ultimately, it's just another resource. Unfortunately, too many people worship it.

30. They understand the importance of discipline and self-control. They are strong. They are happy to take the road less travelled.

31. They are secure. They do not derive their sense of worth of self from what they own, who they know, where they live or what they look like.

32. They are generous and kind. They take pleasure in helping others achieve.

33. They are humble and they are happy to admit mistakes and to apologise. They are confident in their ability, but not arrogant. They are happy to learn from others. They are happy to make others look good rather than seek their own personal glory.

34. They are adaptable and embrace change, while the majority are creatures of comfort and habit. They are comfortable with, and embrace, the new and the unfamiliar.

35. They keep themselves in shape physically, not to be mistaken with training for the Olympics or being obsessed with their body. They understand the importance of being physically well. They are not all about looks, they are more concerned with function and health. Their body is not who they are, it's where they live.

36. They have a big engine. They work hard and are not lazy.

37. They are resilient. When most would throw in the towel, they're just warming up.

38. They are open to, and more likely to act upon, feedback.

39. They don't hang out with toxic people.

40. They don't invest time or emotional energy into things which they have no control of.

41. They are happy to swim against the tide, to do what most won't. They are not people pleasers and they don't need constant approval.

42. They are more comfortable with their own company than most.

43. They set higher standards for themselves (a choice we can all make), which in turn produces greater commitment, more momentum, a better work ethic and of course, better results.

44. They don't rationalise failure. While many are talking about their age, their sore back, their lack of time, their poor genetics, their 'bad luck', their nasty boss and their lack of opportunities (all good reasons to fail), they are finding a way to succeed despite all their challenges.

45. They have an off switch. They know how to relax, enjoy what they have in their life and to have fun.

46. Their career is not their identity, it's their job. It's not who they are, it's what they do.

47. They are more interested in effective than they are in easy. While the majority look for the quickest, easiest way (the shortcut), they look for the course of action which will produce the best results over the long term.

48. They finish what they start. While so many spend their life starting things that they never finish, successful people get the job done - even when the excitement and the novelty have worn off. Even when it ain't fun.

49. They are multi-dimensional, amazing, wonderful complex creatures (as we all are). They realise that not only are they physical and psychological beings, but emotional and spiritual creatures as well. They consciously work at being healthy and productive on all levels.

50. They practice what they preach. They don't talk about the theory, they live the reality.

Interviewing people

There are some people that have no interest in you or anyone. They can sit in silence for hours rather than engage you in a conversation. A conversation being a two way dialogue. Isadora and I had to spend 4 hours thinking up questions to ask our dinner hosts. Once the question was asked they would talk for an hour straight. Then we would sit in silence until we asked the next question. We didn't invite ourselves over. They have begged us over for months. The questions could even be reciprocated.

"What podcasts are you listening to these days?"
"What movies have you seen these days?"
"What activities are you doing outside of work?"

These questions could all be turned around and asked of ourselves too.

But they didn't.

Fortunately, Isadora and I are good at interviewing people. We also recognize that we are gaining more from them than they are from us.

Why Intelligent People Fail

Why Intelligent People Fail
Content from Sternberg, R. (1994). In search of the human mind. New York: Harcourt Brace.

1. Lack of motivation. A talent is irrelevant if a person is not motivated to use it. Motivation may be external (for example, social approval) or internal (satisfaction from a job well-done, for instance). External sources tend to be transient, while internal sources tend to produce more consistent performance.

2. Lack of impulse control. Habitual impulsiveness gets in the way of optimal performance. Some people do not bring their full intellectual resources to bear on a problem but go with the first solution that pops into their heads.

3. Lack of perserverance and perseveration. Some people give up too easily, while others are unable to stop even when the quest will clearly be fruitless.

4. Using the wrong abilities. People may not be using the right abilities for the tasks in which they are engaged.

5. Inability to translate thought into action. Some people seem buried in thought. They have good ideas but rarely seem able to do anything about them.

6. Lack of product orientation. Some people seem more concerned about the process than the result of activity.

7. Inability to complete tasks. For some people nothing ever draws to a close. Perhaps it’s fear of what they would do next or fear of becoming hopelessly enmeshed in detail.

8. Failure to initiate. Still others are unwilling or unable to initiate a project. It may be indecision or fear of commitment.

9. Fear of failure. People may not reach peak performance because they avoid the really important challenges in life.

10. Procrastination. Some people are unable to act without pressure. They may also look for little things to do in order to put off the big ones.

11. Misattribution of blame. Some people always blame themselves for even the slightest mishap. Some always blame others.

12. Excessive self-pity. Some people spend more time feeling sorry for themselves than expending the effort necessary to overcome the problem.

13. Excessive dependency. Some people expect others to do for them what they ought to be doing themselves.

14. Wallowing in personal difficulties. Some people let their personal difficulties interfere grossly with their work. During the course of life, one can expect some real joys and some real sorrows. Maintaining a proper perspective is often difficult.

15. Distractibility and lack of concentration. Even some very intelligent people have very short attention spans.

16. Spreading oneself too think or too thick. Undertaking too many activities may result in none being completed on time. Undertaking too few can also result in missed opportunities and reduced levels of accomplishment.

17. Inability to delay gratification. Some people reward themselves and are rewarded by others for finishing small tasks, while avoiding bigger tasks that would earn them larger rewards.

18. Inability to see the forest for the trees. Some people become obsessed with details and are either unwilling or unable to see or deal with the larger picture in the projects they undertake.

19. Lack of balance between critical, analytical thinking and creative, synthetic thinking. It is important for people to learn what kind of thinking is expected of them in each situation.

20. Too little or too much self-confidence. Lack of self-confidence can gnaw away at a person’s ability to get things done and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Conversely, individuals with too much self-confidence may not know when to admit they are wrong or in need of self-improvement.

Amazing and Powerful Thoughts to Live By

Amazing and Powerful Thoughts to Live By

1. You have to want it.
2. You have to make it a priority.
3. Eliminate old ways and create new and better ways.
4. Start doing good things to yourself and for yourself.
5. Plan your work.
6. Record your progress.
7. Share your success.
8. Think great.
9. Be great.
10. There are no limits to greatness.

Ten Rules to Live By

Ten Rules to Live By

1. Realize your own worth. Avoid comparing yourself with others. Each of us is special, because we are different one from the other.
2. Set your own goals based on what is important to you, not what others think is important. Only you know what is best for you.
3. Treasure the things that are closest to your heart. Cherish them as you would your life, without them life is meaningless.
4. Live your life one day at a time, in the present, each day to its fullest. Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
5. Be relentless when you have something to offer; never give up. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
6. Embrace risk; don’t be afraid. We learn how to be brave by taking chances.
7. Love deeply, freely, and with all your heart. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
8. Live your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.
9. Slow down. Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured, each and every step of the way.
10. Surrender to your destiny; have faith that it will unfold as it should. Choose to be happy, at peace and one with the universe.

Cool website for bloggers

This website analyzes your blog to determine their personality type based on the posts.

http://www.typealyzer.com/

This is their analysis of me. Pretty spot on.

ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

The Law of Life

The Law of Life

Whatever you give away today or think or say or do
Will multiply about tenfold and then return to you

It may not come immediately, nor from the obvious source,
but the Law applies unfailingly through some invisible force.

Whatever you feel about another, be it love or hate or passion,
Will surely balance right back to you in some clear or secret fashion

If you speak about some person, a word of praise or two,
soon tons of people will speak kind words of you

Our thoughts are broadcasts of the soul, not secrets of the brain.
Kind ones bring us happiness, petty ones bring untold pain.

Giving works as surely as reflections in a mirror, if hate you send,
hate you get back, but loving brings love nearer.

Remember as you start this day, and duty crowds your mind,
that kindness comes so quickly back to those who first are kind..

Let that thought and this one direct you through each day...
The only things we ever keep are the things we give away.

~Anonymous

Playing with Javascript and Blogger formatting

Look at me. I created snow! Someone else did. I just copied the code to my blog. Yeah me. My accomplishment for the day.

I have done nothing on Christmas eve except try to get through Satanic Verses.

I need to focus on making money.

Today is raining so I can't go for a walk.

I figured I would look to see how I could leverage my programming ability to enhance my blog. Make it more interactive or flashier.

Looks like I need to learn Javascript first. Not sure what I can do with it. There are 5000 widgets that have been created by Blogger developers. Don't know what I can add.

Weight loss downs and ups

The doctor weighed me. I weighed 237. I lost 13 lbs. I think it is from eating vegetables every morning and reducing my stress through Lexapro and Wellbutrin. There are several articles that claim that stress and lack of sleep cause the body to store fat.

I went to Burger King drive thru while stuck in traffic. I wasn't going to make it home for supper.

I got drugs to treat my cough. I hope I can start exercising again. I hope Isadora buys a lot of vegetables tomorrow. I will make a soup.

Christmas Traffic

Oy. It is hell out there. I sat in traffic getting to the doctor's. I sat in the doctor's office for 2 hours. I sat in traffic to buy my lottery ticket. I sat in traffic to the mall. I sat in traffic buying Isadora's Christmas gift. Lines in cars. Lines on foot. We are so orderly. We are so civilized. We are so efficient. Efficient purchasing machines. Efficient selling machines.

I am going to stay here until Christmas day. We have to go to a friends house. They live so far away. It is exhausting. Why can't they ever come over here? Because they can't keep Justin's demanding schedule. Justin is their son. Justin is the second coming of Christ. Justin is a mosquito with a lobotomy.

I just want to stay home, read and write on my blog.

I tried last night to change the format on my blog. It was pretty nasty. Thank god they make it easy to back up and restore the original template.

10 Ways To Be Absolutely Happy!

(1) I will live In The Present.
(2) I will take advantage of Opportunities at my fingers.
(3) I will enjoy what I have.
(4) I will let things role off my back.
(5) I believe people will treat me well in the future.
(6) I will be Grateful For What You Already Have.
(7) I will take care of my health through excercise and good eating
(8) I will think about new ways to make and save money
(9) I will focus on fixing problems with people
(10) I believe that I am enabled to do anything I set my mind on. I can overcome anything.

Baby making and Lexapro

Well the Wellbutrin seems to have countered the sexual dysfunction of the Lexapro! My life is amazing! I can have a stress free life and have an orgasm at the same time.

I was not able to finish off the job while I was on Lexapro. My little Asian doctor explained to me that Lexapro is also used to treat premature ejaculation as well. One drug treats Generalized Anxiety Disorder and premature ejaculation. The brain is a mysterious thing. I could get it up and start banging Isadora...and then I would be banging Isadora...and I would be banging Isadora...and my arms would start getting tired...her legs would start cramping...we would run out of lubricant. We would turn on the TV. We would stop for water breaks. Nothing would happen. Then I would start having the most intense erotic dreams. I would start having wet dreams like a teenager.

Lexapro is not good for baby making, which is why Darryl is 4 and we still haven't had another child. I needed the Lexapro to get through my MBA.

The first two weeks on Welbutrin did nothing. I went back to standing at attention with no fireworks. Then this week, the turnaround time started getting more efficient. The reward began to equal the effort.

I love my little Asian doctor.

Mavis Gallant

I'm back from my first walk. I walked around the block. 1.5 hours. I listened to a Writer's & Company CBC podcast. An interview with Mavis Gallant. It was very good. Mavis is 86 years old. Mavis explained what life was like for her in the early 1920's. At the age of 4, she was placed in a convent school down the street from her house. Her parents got rid of all her toys slowly. At the age of 10, her father died. They didn't tell her until she was 13. They told her he was in England. She waited three years for him to return. A friend of her mother's told her in passing on the street. Her mother died soon after and she never got any answers as to why she was placed in the convent. What was going on at home.

It is so nice going for walks and listening to my iPod. It was semi cold but the wind was the thug. The trail has a stretch that has no trees. The wind has its way with your face here. The rest of the trail is covered in giant trees whose canopies block out the sky. The wind leaves you alone here. Under the protection of the trees, you can enjoy the feeling of fresh cold air invigorate you from your Christmas vacation lethargy. Heavy food, lots of baking and a warm house will do that to you.

Which is why I need to walk.

Success traits

One more entry before I leave!

10 Traits Of A Successful Human Being

1. An Independent Nature

Yes

2. Self Confidence

Yes/No. I am always confident I will complete what I set out to do. But I always believe the bullshitter. I panic. The Lexapro and Wellbutrin are helping calm down and letting things go. I am seeing that I am a valuable commodity.

3. Persistence

Yes

4. A Big Imagination

Yes

5. A Thick Skin

Definitely need to focus on this. I think the Welbutrin and Lexapro are helping. I am not so reactionary and concerned with other people's opinion of me.

6. Clarity Of Self Understanding

Unfortunately, I believe I am capable of doing anything. I realize I will have to struggle and beat kill myself. But if I am persistent I always get their. I need to figure out what I want to do!

7. Clarity Of Intent

Need to work on this. I am always working on bettering myself, but it is for the sole purpose of helping me advance in my current position. I am never focused on where I WANT to go.

8. Focus

Sort of takes me longer than people. But I always get there. I need to focus on what I want to do.

9. Optimism

Yes

10. Passion

Yes

Get off my ass

Time to get off my derrier. But I am still sick and coughing. But I should just try and walk. Put on my iPod listen to my new book.

Isadora and Darryl are upstairs folding clothes and playing games. Princess is on the rocking chair. Her new found throne.

Ok here we go!

The picture is motivation

Trust your eyes

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

- Buddha

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

Making $10 million

How?
What am I good at?

- I am a good programmer

What do I know?

- I know how to make people laugh
- I know how to program
- I have an MBA in Global Energy Management, therefore I have insight into the energy industry.
- I am environmentally aware (so I think)
- I know a good movie
- I know a good book

What do I love?

- I love reading
- I love writing
- I love speaking
- I love programming

What do I hate?

- Manipulative people
- Working hard for nothing
- Being intimidated
- People being mean
- Long hours in a windowless office watching life go by
- Not having enough money to enjoy life

What marries what I love with what I know?

- Create a humor blog/podcast based on my personal experiences
- Create a humor blog/podcast that analyzes trends/situations in the global energy industry
- Get paid to speak for these items
- Create a program that analyzes the energy industry and situations
- Create a website that analyzes the energy industry and situations

How much time can I dedicate per week to these items?

10 hours.

When?

Saturday/Sunday morning
Saturday/Sunday evening
Weekday mornings from 6-7 am.
Weekday mornings from 5-6 pm.

When do I exercise?

Weekdays from 4-5 am.
Weekends from 2-3 pm.

Building wealth

He who buys what he does not need steals from himself.

When I spend money, I help make someone else rich. I have to evaluate how hard I worked for the money that will be required to purchase the item. Does the person deserve my hard earned money?

What do I spend money on?

- Books
- Movie rentals
- Starbucks coffee
- Lottery tickets
- Online subscriptions
- Cable television
- Mortgage
- Car payment
- MBA payment
- Electricity
- Gas
- Preschool
- Food

What can be cut out?

Cable
Movie rentals
Starbucks coffee
Online subscriptions

I need the books on tape for the bus trip and lottery tickets to reach salvation and self actualization.

These are worth my hard earned money.

I love television. But do I need these channels?

I love movies...boy...do I love movies.

I can always brew my own coffee but the Starbucks at work is soooo comforting. It is rich and with alot of cream...it sooo comforting. I need to cut down on the caffeine.

Starbucks is out.

Rearranging my goals

I have decided to put Lose 70 lbs at the top. I think my overweight contributes to my lethargy and therefore hurts my ability to keep up with Isadora and Darryl. I think it hurts my career.

1) Lose 70 lbs by Dec 22nd, 2009
2) Make $10 million by Dec 22nd, 2009
3) Teach Darryl to read by Dec 22nd, 2009
4) Teach Darryl how to add by Dec 22nd, 2009
5) Give Isadora 3 foot massages per week
6) Give Isadora 1 original compliment per day

My blog is going to center around these goals to keep me focused.

I currently weigh 250 lbs.
I am currently worth $187,000. Friggin' credit derivative swaps!!

Whatever you want

ok...I'm looking at my list of topics. I realize that these are the topics that I focus on.

I have made 1 entry to weight loss. I need to make more. In 2009, I will focus on topics that I want to improve on.

1) Fatherhood
2) Husbandhood
3) Figuring out a way to make $75 million
4) Winning the lottery
5) Losing weight

These are my topics. This is what I need to focus on. Any other topics are not moving me towards my goal. What is my goal?

My goal is to have $75 million in my Fidelity account so that I may quit my job and spend all my time with my son and my wife.

Total financial freedom. Freedom from worry. Freedom to love. Freedom to take care of myself. Freedom to follow my dreams and aspirations.

My father for years used to say, what would I do if I retired? My eyes would go wide. What would you do? Dad, whatever you want. He couldn't think of anything. I can't stop thinking of things. The thoughts weave themselves like browsing the internet. I would go to Italy. In Italy, I would learn to speak and write Italian. Once I did this, I would learn to cook Italian. I would go to Spain to learn to cook and play the flamenco guitar. I could go on all night.

Please God. Bestow upon me financial wealth. I promise that I will use it to experience all that the human condition has to offer. Wealth will not be wasted on me. I will not own 40 cars and 7 houses. I will be able to tell people how to build an igloo. What it felt like to sail the Atlantic. What it feels like to go to a Presidential inaugaration. What it is like to drive a car across Canada and Russia. What it is like to ride a camel across the Australian Outback. How to write an award winning short story. How String theory works.

What to do? What to do? Whatever you want.

Non Dairy Goat

My sister and her fiance came over for Christmas lunch today. They are leaving on Tuesday to spend Christmas with my parents up North. A proper Christmas.

I made a prime rib with Porcini, Spinach and Italian Sausage stuffing. A potato gratin topped with cremini mushrooms. Carrots simmered in buttered molasses. Cheddar and Chive Yorkshire Pudding.

I did this all non-dairy.

Her fiance cannot eat dairy. My sister is vegetarian. Isadora hates seafood.

Cooking for all three of them would be the ultimate Iron Chef America challenge.

I used a lot of goat milk, goat cheddar and soy margarine.

I am pretty goated out right now.

Too expensive to eat well

Went to the luxury supermarket today. Oy $200. Isadora wasn't happy. We bought a lot of items that were double the price at a normal grocery store. I love this place though. It makes me feel alive. It let's me know that I can have the good things in life. It just sucks that you have to buy a whole jar of molasses, when all the recipe calls for is a tablespoon.

Boy is meat expensive. I need to learn to cook Indian vegetarian.

I need to learn how to become a vegetarian.

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

He who breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom.
(J.R.R. Tolkien)

Humans have an insatiable quest for knowledge. We use it to create a more profitable life. Science is funded by businesses and government. Government determines what science it will fund based on what research will create the most benefit to the nation. Most of the time that benefit is measured in jobs. We are a knowledgeable nation. But we are not wise. Native Americans were wise. They left the world untouched and recognized that they were part of something larger. They lived within the larger system. We try to remove ourselves from the system. We gain more insight into the system so that we can control and mimic it. When we learn to control and mimic the system, we learn to profit from it. Salmon farming.

We think we are wise. I think we are knowledgeable. We are on borrowed time. Someday the human species will collapse and start over again. If we are lucky. Homo Sapiens have been around for 250,000 years. Modern Civilization has existed for 6,000 years.

I think civilizations rose and fell before. The pyramids are from an older civilization from before the ice age. It was a demonstration of their knowledge. They are too perfect for a civilization that just learned how to farm.

The Christmas tree debate

Well Darryl and I brought home the Christmas tree. Isadora was pissed. Buying a Christmas tree goes against her environmental principles.

We have these discussions.

Her position: We should not be exploiting the earth for our own personal pleasure.

My position: Due to population increase, the only objects that will survive will be those that serve an economic purpose to humans.

Case: If we stopped eating beef and drinking milk, how long before the cow becomes extinct in North America.

India would continue to have them because they are sacred to Hindus.

By purchasing a Christmas tree, you make it economically profitable for someone to maintain a forest. Yes, they will chop part of the forest down each year. But the forest is conserved. If a forest can not be made to be profitable then it will be turned into a parking lot or strip mall with a parking lot.

These are the discussions we have.

I am President of the Christmas Association

Isadora has seeded control of all things Christmas to yours truly.

Isadora has no concept of Christmas. Her parents were the Burgermeisters. My parents were the Chris Cringles of Christmas. Christmas was a month long of traditions. Everything from visiting Santa to the chocolate calendar to

Yeah Yeah I know I'm a hypocrite. I also hate hunting but love Steakhouses. I hate global warming but drive my car. Fear the overpopulation of the planet but had a child.

President of the Christmas Association

I love the South's intense efforts to convince you that it is Christmas.

I have developed a rule. It is not Christmas unless there is snow on the ground. If you do not have snow on the ground than you can only celebrate Consumer day.

I remember as a lifeguard celebrating "Christmas in July". It was the pool committees annual tradition. The pool commitee was made of pool members that came home from work and said I want to be involved in my local summer pool.

...Did I say involved...I meant obsessed. These are people who have obviously never had power in their lives. They work in environments where they have no employee rights. No HR department.

It was insane how serious they take it. Then I bought a home and met the home association overlords. Same people. I could not imaging returning home from work and saying...Isadora I am going to drive around the neighborhood and make sure everyone has put up their Christmas lights according to section 3.23.394.

I need to start a Christmas association where I can determine what latitudes are allowed to celebrate Christmas. I will come home from work, check the projected snowfall of North America then post the latitudes on my blog.

Turn down the music

Darryl and I are at an internet/playground/cafe with soft plush leather chairs.

For some reason I am the only male here. I mean...if you are going to get bonus points from your wife. What better place?

Internet...reading chair and coffee. Kind of a male containing breathing apparatus.

HOWEVER....they are blasting a Christmas music radio station in here. I can't think. I am going to have to reread what I wrote during my stay here. Tomorrow, this will all read like....Be here blue and three times giant wilderness enfeeblement.

I have all the entertainment I need. The mother's are all here with their friends. Or are talking to other friends. Should I say something to the kids working here. They will probably check their employee handbooks to see if their is a bylaw allowing them the flexibility to circumnavigate corporate policy.

Sammy

When Patsy died, we settled on not bringing another cat into Princess' life. Remembering the Rupert situation, we knew that introducing a new pet can go good or bad.

While Isadora was pregnant, she started hanging out by the apartment pool and reading. This apartment complex had many stray cats. We had already taken in and found homes for two of them. That is another story in Karma.

Isadora called me at work to tell me that there was a stray cat that was spending its days with her at the pool. It was really cute and probably is not wild just abandoned. She wanted to take it in.

We took it in. I was reading a book on our city's namesake. We named him after him.

Sammy had a big head and a little body. Had.

Sammy slept. Sammy ate. Sammy pooped. The Daily Phases of the Sam.

Sammy is huge. He is half cougar. He is solid muscle. He likes to play. We don't like to play with him. Teeth and claws are fair game with Sammy. He is the only animal I have ever hit in the face. Sammy understands one thing. Power. He is the ultimate alpha male.

However, when Isadora was pregnant with Darryl, Sam's job was to guard her while I went to work. He sat beside her all day and every day. Sammy has slept in Darryl's bed ever since Darryl was born. That is Sam's job. Protect Darryl.

Since we moved into the house and Darryl is four, Sam has retired from active service. Now he lies on his back on the SUV and suntans his private parts all day. He must be originally from the Mediterranean. If Sammy were a man, he would definitely be wearing a thong.

Ofcourse, we got Sammy fixed so he doesn't have his Macadamias. But don't tell him that. We had to because we are trying to help prevent the spread of unwanted cats. Actually, in Sammy's case it was because he was really horny and really big and had developed a love for using my belly button as his personal vagina.

I lied down on the sofa to watch football one Sunday. Sammy sat on top of me and started staring at me. I was watching the TV. I looked up at him. He was looking at me. I noticed the bottom half of him was shaking. Something under him was stabbing and poking the inside of my belly button. No.

I lifted him up and there was this red raw coil sticking out from his fur.

ISADORA!!!!

Believe them

Darryl just got spit on. This is what he tells me.

We are at the local internet/playground/cafe. It is the only place I can take him without risking my lungs ripping my chest apart.

I don't know how to handle this. The kid is a year younger than Darryl. Darryl wants me to go talk to the kid. The kid's mother is with three of her friends. The playground is a series of intermingled multicolor pipelines. Fitting for the city. The kids run through the pipeline system like a bunch of oil molecules heading to Cushing.

Darryl doesn't lie. I just don't want to scare the kid and have all three mother's surrounding me.

Darryl go talk to his Mommy. She is right over there.

She looks mean.

Yeah, she does and so do her friends.

What should I do?

Go tell her. She will either ignore you or find her son.

No thanks. He runs off.

Crisis averted. I know. I am a coward. But really. This kid isn't going to listen to me and I can't be fighting child playground skirmishes for Darryl. You play with the nice kids and stay away from the bad ones. Rules to live by in life.

"When someone shows you who they are....believe them!" Maya Angelou

Blame

He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there.
He who blames no one has arrived. (Chinese proverb)

Have to say, I am stuck at number 2. It is a Northerner thing to do. In the South, it is dumping bucket.

In the North, you apologize and everyone apologizes with you and you move on. It is like a combination of number 2 and 3. This is why they have no fault car insurance. The crashee apologizes to the crasher and everyone takes care of the situation.

Unfortunately in the South, if the Crashee apologizes, the crasher records the confession with their camera phone and demand their insurance card.

This also applies at work as well.

I don't want to move into number 1. I am going to move to number 3.

I will not blame anyone and focus on the solution. However, sometimes you need to understand the problem. By identifying the problem, you inherently leave room for blame. I need to learn how to identify the root cause of the problem without enabling others to invoke #2 and #1. I need to be able to toss this proverb onto the table, to set the standard and shame anyone from jumping for thing number 1 and thing number 2.

Vacation time

I have decided that I am too sick to return to work. I have a nagging cough that kills me anytime I walk anywhere substantial...like the mailbox. I have a lot of vacation time left over from this year. I didn't take any vacation time from January to November. Now that the vendor is offsite and taking their time getting the demos and contract amended for phase 2, I am going to relax. Next year it is going to return to 6 am to 6 pm days with a lot of sleepless nights.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

This belief is in my veins. I am it. It is me. I find those who know and devour them until they are empty.

Lately at work I have encountered a lot of false prophets. People insist they know in front of management and then draw a blank when management leaves.

Unfortunately, I am from the North and Northerners never point.

I have survived 15 years of consulting by being the person not afraid to look stupid. What I have learned:

1) People are flattered that you are asking them about their jobs.
2) People love being recognized as a source of knowledge.
3) No one expects you to know their jobs. They are insulted when you don't ask them. They assume that you are arrogant enough to believe you know their jobs.
4) You build relationships, trust and buy in when you consult with people on the opinions and knowledge.

The Satanic Verses Part II

I finished the section of Satanic Verses that pertains to Mohammed. I have no idea what happened. The book is english. I am literate.

My only understanding is that Mohammed was being told by the ArchAngel Gabriel how to convert a village from their Gods to Islam. He goes back and forth trying new tricks and making compromises with the leaders of the current dominant religion. Mohammed excepts their Gods as members of his religion and lowers the prayers from 40 to 5 times per day. Frustrated Mohammed starts fighting with Gabriel. Gabriel knocks him unconscious. When Mohammed comes to, he decides that it was the devil who had told him the first set of laws he had given the village. However, it was someone called Ba that gave him both sets of laws.

I don't get it.

I think the Ayatollah just wanted to scare everyone from writing about Islam. All he did was increase sales and popularity of an ambiguous writer that the lay person cannot understand.

He who angers you controls you!

The problem with anxiety is that you are always ready to freak out. You can't control it. To you, the outcome of any situation is has 99% possibility of being tragic. You will lose everything.

When you freak out. The person gets to point at you and say this person is unbalanced do not trust his judgment.

You might be right. Their judgment might be tainted. But they own you. Until they declare you of sound mind and body, your opinion means nothing.

Entertainment

I can't help to think that all of entertainment is designed by the wealthy and powerful to keep us passified so that they can figure out more ways to make money from us while we sit stoned with entertainment.

While I am reading, someone is doing something that is going to make me want to pay them for it.

I could be doing something that would make you want to pay me. Once enough people were paying me, I could spend my days reading.

I love reading, tv, movies and browsing the internet. I am a stoner. I am passified. No revolution for me.

People used to read the same book over and over and over again. They were lucky if they had a book and could read. People must have sat around and talked. Talked about what...if you didn't know anything. I guess news traveled by word of mouth. How long did it take. How tainted did it get before it reached your town. Maybe Jonah wasn't swallowed by whale...maybe he just stepped on a garden snail.

Thank you Gutenberg. Tamer of the masses.

Reading the Satanic Verses

I got a little better yesterday afternoon. I still couldn't move. I was sick of listening to Rush's defense of the Republican Conservatives Movement's defense of the US Constitution and Bill of Rights which are constantly under attack by the Liberal left. That sums up Rush.

So...I scanned my book shelf and pulled out Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses. I had just listened to a podcast, on Writer's and Company, from the CBC, where the host interviewed Salman.

I figured how special can his writing be and what was in this book that was so appalling to the Ayatollah? You want people to read a book...issue a Fatwah. When will we ever learn. If the Mullahs didn't want anyone reading the book, they just should have paid a NYT reporter to say "It was sooo boring."

The man writes like no other. I don't know if it is good or bad. It is just really different. You can get through an entire paragraph and not understand a single thing that just transpired.

I tried to find a paragraph, but now I seem to understand everything. I guess I got used to his style of writing. It sometimes takes me awhile. That is the difference between novels and literature. Novels you understand right away. Literature takes awhile and you have to slow down and have a fresh mind.

You cannot read literature when you are tired with television playing in the background.

You have to find a quiet corner on a rainy Sunday when the wife and children are out.

Literature can also end...not the way you wanted or expected it to. Sometimes it just ends. You want to be rewarded with a big glued to your seat ending....in literature that sometimes doesn't happen. That is the stress of reading literature. Anyone can die. Anytime it can end. Anyway it can end.

Enduring the flu through water, cleanex and radio

I feel reasonably better. Keep in mind, I have not moved from my bed or living room couch in 24 hours. I think a walk to the mailbox would kill me. I think I have the flu. Not as bad as December 1999. That was hell. But I pushed it. Now, I plant my ass in bed and sleep it off with lots of water, cleanex and talk radio.

Thank God my football team pulled off a major upset this weekend, so everyone was really positive on the sports call in shows. Since their founding the team has been frustrating. They win the games they were supposed to lose and lose the games they were supposed to win. They would win against a team that was the best in the league, so everyone would start thinking about the playoffs. The next week, they would lose to a team that was so dysfunctional half the team showed up in the wrong uniform, so we would start thinking about who we were going to take as first pick in next year's draft.

I listened to good ol' Rush. He can talk for 21 minutes without taking a break! 21 minutes! He did it three days in a row. Sit in a room by yourself and talk for 21 minutes on one topic. He must be on a steady diet of throat lozenges.

People are so funny when they call talk radio. You know they have it all worked out in their heads and then they get on and......."Well Rush, I really love your show and have been a steady listener since 1994 and I...just the other day...you see....we cannot afford to let the liberal agenda poison our way of life....we just need to be strong and....the other day I was walking down the street and this woman...man...comes up to me....and I was.....they said....they had a sign...that read Palin is a Pirate....and I shook my head....and I just wanted you to know that I support America...and God bless you."

This is probably why the liberal media don't have talk shows. They interview the academic elite.

I am talking with Dr. Irene Buernstein in the fireplace lounge at the Faculty center of Harvard University. Dr. Buernstain is the Director of the International Center for Religious and Moral Freedom Studies. She has written seventeen books and 144 articles. She has never worked in the real world and comes from an upper middleclass family in a suburb. She has been to several third world countries but has never had to touch anyone. Dr. Buernstein, thank you for sitting down with us. How do bombers use religion to justify blowing themselves up?"

"Well that is an excellent question that can be answered through several frameworks. I tend to lean towards a more pragmatic centralism that draws on the orthodox notions of deceptivism. If we look at the historical foundations of modern religous unity, we can find traces of alienation within the ranks of world concepts."

Really sick today!!

ok...now I am really sick...I can't move. I move. I cough. I cough. I hurt. I hurt. I fart.

I am drinking water. Vast quantities of water. I fell asleep for an hour, woke up and took a sip of water. My throat and mouth absorbed the water like a desert sand.

I have peed 500 times today. My pee is clear. There are no more impurities left in me.

I have a fever. I take my sweater off. I put my sweater on. I curl up in the blanket. I throw the blanket off. I open the window. I turn up the thermometer.

Day time television sucks. I am watching Just shoot me. I love this show. But if it wasn't this show, it would be nothing.

Darryl is protesting our choice of television viewership. He wants to watch Zac and Cody. He watched TV all morning.

This is my last blog for the day. I am going to find someway not to move. I am coughing from the exercise my fingers are getting from typing.

Serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer made me realize something was wrong. I could never tell the difference. Ever. I feared the worst outcome from any situation that smelled like it could result in conflict.

It is amazing now...how little I realize I really need to change in life.

Having zero anxiety

This is nice. I have forgotten what is what like to have anxiety. I remember so many sleepless nights. Now I fall asleep on the couch at 8:00 pm. When I first started taking the medication, I would sit outside at night and early in the morning enjoying the fact that I could be alone with my thoughts.

When you suffer from chronic anxiety, alone time is hell. The television is your friend. Alcohol gives you incredible nightmares.

Now, I don't sit outside. I go about my normal day. I forget what is was like.

Sick today

Well, we are all getting a bad cough. We are all coughing. Darryl slept all of Friday. He would lie on Isadora in their rocker with his eyes closed.

"Is he a sleep?" She would ask trying to see the side of his face.

"Yeah, should we put him in his bed?"

"I am not a sleep." He would declare with his eyes closed.

Today, he is well. Isadora and I have a cough. My lungs are filled with fluid that is pushing its way up my throat. I drink water to wash it back down. I am on my 7th cup.

We made sugar cookies and Turkish delight today. The sugar cookies taste like short bread cookies. They are hard. The Turkish delight won't solidify in the fridge. What is Turkish delight that won't solidify? A big pan of goo.

My sister's English fiance loves Turkish delight. Apparently, it is big in England. I just know it from the Narnia movies. What idiot brother turns his syblings in for Turkish delight? He is wiling to surrender his siblings to a White witch for Turkish delight? This stuff must be amazing!!

It sucks. Don't order desert in England. Never trust those people either. If they are willing to turn over their sibilings for Turkish delight, who knows what they will do for Creme Brulee. Napoleon would have ruled Europe had he just offered Wellington desert in exchange for England.

the witching hour

I was scared of the dark. I still don't like the dark. Unless I am lying in bed. I get the scents that this is the time that spirits will make themselves visible. When I was having full fledged anxiety I would wake up at 3:00 am on the dot each night. It was eery. It was never 2:17 one night...1:46 the next night...4:38 the night after. No, it was 3:00 am every night.

In European folklore, the witching hour is the time when supernatural creatures such as witches, demons and ghosts are thought to be at their most powerful, and black magic at its most effective. This hour is typically midnight, and the term may now be used to refer to midnight, or any late hour, even without having the associated superstitious beliefs. The term "witching hour" can also refer to the period from midnight to 3am.

I wonder if my protectors are keeping me a sleep during the witching hours.

When I get tired I start to see shadows. I think my conscious lets it's guard down and I see the other side. I have no idea what the other side is but it seems to share the same space in reality as us. However, it exists in a different dimension. This is me trying to make sense of my world and experiences.

When I was in France, I slept in the old servant's quarters above the stables of a 18th century Chateau. One night I woke up with a floating glowing gas cloud above me. I knew it wasn't gas. I was frozen. It hovered over me like a cloud. It churned for 10 minutes. I couldn't move. I waited for something recognizable to take form. I could feel that this was not my eyes getting used to the dark. I was frozen with fear. My body had taken over as if it recognized that this was not normal. Finally, it faded away.

Darryl seems to have these abilities. My mom had them. My grandmother had them. All of us, save Darryl, suffered from anxiety. We sense things.

I can't see myself

Darryl is scared of the dark.

At night, Darryl wakes up, grabs his blanket and runs to our room. We have to leave the door open. On several occasions, he has run into the door. The first time he hit the door, I was standing on the bed ready for hell to attack. I heard him start to cry.

The upstairs floorboards are loose. He sounds like a heard of buffaloes when he runs to our room.

When we turn off the lights, Darryl always announces "Hey, I can't see myself."

Patsy

Patsy was my sweet little innocent tragedy. Fearless and bold but delicate. Isadora convinced me that I needed a cat. I think she wanted to domesticate me. If you have a pet that you need to take care of you can't venture very far. Maybe she recognized me as a hermit and wanted to give me a companion. Isadora is Italian and Italian's are not allowed to leave their homes until they are married.

We went to the SPCA and Patsy was the perfect one. Calm. She had long soft white hair with a dark lavendar mask like a superhero.

She refused to eat and I brought her back to the SPCA to fix her. They thought I was dropping her off and taking off. I gave them $100 to show my sincerity.

We lived together in harmony in my basement apartment during the cold winters in the hood. I owed $27,000 in back taxes and was paying it off in large sums. I had no money for living. My apartment was $275 a month in the basement on a street that was notorious for hookers and drugs. The hookers were haggled and out of shape. Yet night after night, people picked them up. The main bus stop on the street was right in front of my apartment. On several occasions, I stepped out of the shower to find a group of people staring at me through the window. I sing in the shower. I like to leave my blinds open at night.

One day, one of my work friends brought over a cat from the father of a friend of ours. Networks. Rupert was a huge orange cat. However, Rupert had one flaw. The smell of his poop was unbelievable. It would fill the entire apartment in a matter of minutes. I had to change the litter immediately after a deposit. Each time I returned home from work, I would be hit with a wall of smell. The smell was poop and mucus fermented for 7 months in vinegar. Your knees would get weak when the smell hit you.

Patsy wasn't thrilled. Rupert shit in the litter the minute I changed it. If he didn't have to shit then he sat in it until he did. If Patsy was on the window ledge then Rupert needed to be on the window ledge. Patsy put up a bold fight but Rupert would just push her off.

Patsy would sit on my pillow right above my head at night and pur. Rupert would sit on top of me and fart.

Upon announcing that I was moving South, the friend returned to take Rupert back. I actually put up a fight.

Patsy's fur was light, long and fluffy. Her poop used to get entangled in it on the way down. She would plop her butt on the floor and then drag her self across the floor with her front paws.

She used to sit at the window during horrible thunderstorms. She feared nothing.

All cats always let her eat first.

She walked around on her tip toes.

Princess and Patsy were each other's best friends but they wouldn't admit it. Isadora brought them down South while she was finishing her Master's. My mother complained that I was being a hermit. She brought me companions. Each night, while I studied for my certification the two cats would alternate coming into the bedroom and sitting on my lap. Princess slept with me for half the night and Patsy slept for the other half. Princess slept at the foot of the bed. Patsy slept on the pillow. Each night, I found them sleeping on the bed together when I returned from work.

We lived on the third floor of the apartment. Patsy would walk on the other side of the railing. I couldn't watch. When she started showing off, I went inside. One day, I walked up to get her. She was focused on me. She knew I was coming to get her because I was scared. She loved it. The sprinklers went off. Patsy jumped and fell off the ledge. I screamed. She spread all four legs out and....drifted down. It was amazing. The bushes broke her fall and as I was running downstairs, she was running up the stairs. She started limping. We jumped into the car and went to the animal emergency clinic. Her internal organs were probably destroyed. They XRayed her. Her pinky was broken and her bowels were full of shit. They put a giant cast on her front left leg that was significantly longer than her right leg. They injected water under her skin to rehydrate her and hopefully unclog her.

At first she lay on the floor depressed because the cast made it difficult to walk. Then she learned to stick it out to the side and run on her other three legs. Then she learned that it was a great way to get attention by knocking on the door or hitting you in the head when she was hungry.

One day, while walking her back legs gave out. She continued to walk and her legs gave out again. I felt sick. I took her to the doctors on Friday before Memorial weekend. He told me it might be a heart problem. The next day she began vomitting blood. We took her to the emergency clinic wiith the intention of putting her to sleep. The doctor told us that she had diabetes and that they could save her by getting her regulated on insulin. We sighed. The next day we returned and her condition was the same. We left her for another day. They told us to take her to her regular vets to continue. We did. The vet took her home that night to continue treatment. The next day, he called us up to tell us that she had developed jaundice and that her kidneys were probably failing.

I drove home to pick up Isadora. We drove to the vets. They brought her out in soft blanket. My poor baby. I petted her head while they injected her. She coughed. Her eyes went wide and blank. Her pulse was gone. I kissed her head. Bye bye baby. Daddy loves you. You were my first.

I filled out the paper work to get her cremated. Her vase sits on our book shelf. She was my perfect pet. Calm.