Goal refinement

This probably isn't really efficient...changing goals like this, but I have to figure out where I am failing and what I want to do.

I want to get into project management.

PMP certification

Why? I allowed someone to use clicky terms because they had used the "lingo".
What will this get me? I will be able to counter people like this.

Learn to "manage up"

Why? Because she can "manage up", she was able to put thoughts into my manager's head.
What will this get me? I will be able to influence my manager's decision making.

Make $10 million

Why? Because I am tired of working in an office
What will this get me? Time freedom and mobility freedom. I can go and do what I want for the rest of my life.

Get the vendor software implemented

Why? I owe to Steve and my reputation.
What will this get me? Freedom to leave with a clear conscience.

What will this get me.

Done witih blogger template design

I just want a plain simple template for my writing. I was getting a little consumed with making this incredible blogger template.

I always do this. I see something cool. Something that someone has done well. And I want to master it, rather than just leveraging what they have done and paying $5 or less for the template.

I guess I am just curious. But I spend a lot of precious time trying to figure these things out when I could just be focusing my efforts on getting rich so I can relax.

No one won the lottery last night. God, I can't wait to win. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life writing.

God I HATE THE SNAKE

What a jackass. I make one little bitty mistake...all over me. It was like...FUCK YOU. She calls herself a project manager and yet she doesn't even know how to use Microsoft Project. Fuckin' retard. What a fuckin' fraud.

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard. Be a champion.

Additional goals for 2009

Ok a new goal needs to be learning how to "manage up". This is killing my career. I need to study this.

Learn How to Manage up
Project Management Certification

Breakfast with the slime

Went down for breakfast with my manager, snake and fugly. It was painful. My manager tried to convince me that this was a great step for me and I was going to have an exciting year learning about the vendor's software. I wanted to leave.

This is so hard.

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard. Be a champion.

Do the project then leave.

W
hen was the first time drop caps first letter introduced in newspaper, magazine? But its been a quite while the trend of drop cap used in web business. First letter drop cap can be achieved in many ways.

Job depression

Man...I just want to go home. I just want to curl up and die. This is a frigging disaster in my career. Jeff...look for a new job. You have done your dues here. It has been 5 years of being shit on. How much do you have to take? Why can't you wake up?

You need to move on. For your own sanity.

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard. Be a champion. Speak kindly of others.

Family foot massage

Gave Isadora and Darryl foot massages last night. I got one myself.

I started giving Isadora a foot massage while watching American Idol. Darryl started helping. It was pretty funny because he is so gentle. He is a pretty strong kid but he is really gentle. He then decided that he wanted one. It was pretty cute because he wanted to lie down where Isadora was, so we all had to shift down. He then put his feet on me and I started massaging. He couldn't stop giggling.

When Isadora is relaxed her toes bend backwards. I taught this to Darryl so that he could tell if Mommy was enjoying his foot massage.

Darryl stated that when we was relaxed and enjoying his foot massage you could tell because he would stick out his tongue.

Sure enough he kept sticking out his tongue.

Replaced as project manager

Today I was replaced as project manager. The problem is that I am the only ubber-strong technical resource we have. I built myself this way. Now I am being sucked back into it because bam we don't have any strong technical resources.

This is depressing.

The project manager is snake. She makes a point of not being technical at all. She refuses to do anything technical.

I also did whatever it took and worked with the resources I had.

My problems were:

• I didn't keep my manager up to date privately
• I didn't associate with any other companies that were implementing
• I didn't stop the project and say "We aren't stopping until I have the proper consultants."

This is bad for me. Really bad.

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard. Be a champion. Speak kindly of others.

My friend Alex says I need to leave and be a project manager consultant for awhile and then jump back in.

I have been branded.

Getting things done!

I am a rocking and a rolling and accomplishing a lot. The vendor misspelled two companies. Unfortunately, these two companies make up 80% of our business and are on 80% of all of our transactions....

...Thanks Vendor.

Be kind, Work hard, Enjoy life, Be a champion, Speak kind of others

Bad things I did today

I:

- Got into work late (8:00 am)
- Smirked throughout a meeting where Abdula tried to pretend his two second task required monuments of work
- Had a coffee
- Spent a half hour bad mouthing snake to Abdula

I bad mouth when I have coffee. Starting to see the connection. I get nervous so I vent.


Need to:

- Be Kind, enjoy life, work hard, Be a champion, Talk kindly about others
- Got for a walk
- Go to bed early
- Get up early

The trip to the vets

We went to the vets last night to pick up Princess (Chicky). The vet came into the room and told us that Lymphoma is pretty high on the list of what she might have. We need to wait for her blood work to return and her stool sample analysis. This could all take until Monday to complete. Isadora is going to have a rough week.

It hasn't hit me yet. It does a little bit. This time next year, she will be in a jar on our bookshelf next to Patsy. I just can't imagine Princess not being alive. She has always been with Isadora and I. She was with us when we met. She spent a year with me and Patsy down South before Isadora arrived.

Sad. Can't imagine it.

I think it will hit when the final prognosis is made. On average she could have 6-12 months to live. This depends on how well she takes to the steroids, so that she can gain weight. Right now she is bones. Princess is a nightmare to get medicine into. She can flick her tongue as fast as a fan. It is insane.

Foot massages for Isadora 2

Poor Isadora. I am ignoring her. Well I am not. She always says that she wants foot massages but every time I offer...she has an excuse: Princess is on my lap. Darryl is on my lap. You are tired.

It is actually quite simple to give a foot massage when you are watching TV. I mean why not? I am sitting on the couch. All she needs to do is lie down and put her feet on top of my lap.

I went to China last year and got to experience some real foot massages. I did this so that I could bring back the techniques to do on Isadora. Didn't work very well. Somehow the masseuses in China could pull on your tiny toes and it would feel good. It was like they were snapping their fingers with your toes between them. When I did Isadora almost kicked me in the face.

Tonight she is getting a foot massage. Whether she likes it or not. She is pretty upset that Chicky (Princess) probably has Lymphoma.

Priorities

Just organized my chapters, which reflects my priorities. My priorities are not in line with my goals. I want to take care of Isadora and Darryl...and yet they are down at the bottom. I hate my job but that is up at the top.

The problem is that the job allows me to take care of them financially.

Need to focus more and balance out these priorities.

40 Years of inconsistent journaling

Just realized I will 40 soon. I spent 40 years not writing a journal. Mostly because without technology I really didn't find journaling fun. Plus, I had to swim, school, eat, homework, swim again, sleep each night of my teenage years. Then I began working as a lifeguard and began partying and studying. Then I started working and started trying to build a career by studying for technical certifications on my off hours.

This is actually the first time I can sit down and write consistently. Mainly, because I am pegged to my desk and sometimes (like now) it takes 10 minutes for my code to compile or records to save.

Extending my perscription

Went to see the vets last night after stopping off to see my own doctor. I needed to get my prescription for Lexapro extended and I needed to get two pills a day. The one pill a day dies out towards the evening. I need one for the evening to chill out. It is not a high....I guess for Generalized Anxiety Disorder sufferers it is. It is more like a vacation. A vacation from worrying.

I read every self help book and meditation exercise. None worked on a 24 hour a day basis. Yoga at 100 degrees celsius provided 5 hours of relief. Then you go right back to worrying about the whole world in a very intense way. To the point that you cannot focus on anything else.

This new prescription should be great. However, I don't know what it is going to do to Isadora and I's sex life. The only way she seems to have an orgasm is by masterbating in the corner of the bed at 3:00 am. It is pretty funny...because the whole bed starts shaking. She gets embarrassed when I tease her. So I just pretend to sleep through it.

Her mother should have been a nun and did not like to talk about sex at all. Her husband, Isadora's father, left her because she wouldn't put out. She had sex for procreation. She hung a giant picture of the Virgin Mary, looking down in a sad way, over Isadora's bed when she started getting her periods. On the other wall, she put a picture of Jesus hanging from a cross. We slept in her bedroom the night after our wedding, before we could take off for our honeymoon. I am agnostic but those pictures really go

Princess might have Lymphoma

Princess might have Lymphoma. She coughed up bile last Friday. It stank up the whole living room. That is not natural or normal. Isadora called the vet and made an appointment for Monday. Princess has lost 3 lbs. 9 lbs to 6 lbs. Pretty dramatic.

She is 16 years old. She is Isadora's life. This is not going to be fun. Isadora is going to be a mess. Darryl is going to experience his first death in the family. Our pets are family. They sleep, eat, watch TV, garden, relax, read with us.

This is not good.

Looks like we will end up with Sammy, Loudy and Pixi.

And Spanky and Jezebelle living outdoors. They are wild. They don't seem to be able to domesticate themselves. Which is wierd because they are Pixi and Scouts sisters.

Resolutions To Be A Better Dad in 2009

1. … show my kids more of the world. This may not translate into world traveler but it should mean learning more about different cultures and experiences beyond our own doorstep.
2. … show my kids more of my world. Help them understand a little more what Daddy does when he is away from home all day.
3. … be more involved in school activities - Self explanatory
4. … continue to work hard to see things as the kids see them. I need to remember that my kids are children with limited experiences and regardless of how old they seem they are still very very young.
5. … continue to work at not bringing home work frustrations. Self explanatory
6. … make a real effort at letting my children see me happy. Really happy. The day to day responsibilities can get to the best of us. The kids don’t need to see this running off of me.
7. … quit letting vacation time accrue and take more of it off with the family. Self explanatory
8. … get better at doing my daughters’ hair. Self explanatory
9. … be a good example at healthy living. We all have our vices. There are a few I should get rid of
10. … practice what I preach

Hanging out with Darryl

Still working on a Sunday. Not very quickly. Hard to work on a couch. Princess is sleeping in a ball on the rocker. Darryl is watching Wizards of Waverly and swinging a sword around. Isadora went for groceries.

I am tired and have to work tomorrow...blah. Abdula and Snake are going to be in full throttle. I need to finish my data validation and project charter.

Need to get up early tomorrow. Need to go to bed early tonight.

Darryl is really swinging that sword.

"Who are you fighting, Darryl?"

"Some guy"

"Who?"

"Some guy named....Big Fat Guy"

Now he is shooting big fat guy with his bow and arrow. The bow and arrow that takes the strength of Hercules to cock.

Email chain

Just spent the morning jabbing back and forth with Abdula over email CC:ing my manager.

How annoying. I remained cheery. I inquired into the status of his tasks that were two months overdue and pretty trivial.

Abdula sets low expectations for himself...and then fails to achieve them. The guy is robbing a village of its idiot.

Be kind. I was. Enjoy life. I am. Work hard. I am. Be a champion. I am.

Disconnected Demands

Abdula, the guy who never accomplishes anything, just sent me an email demanding the latest project plan ASAP and CC:d my manager.

It is Sunday.

When was the last time this guy got something done?

Some people are so disconnected.

I replied saying I was currently working on it...what I am doing...and asked about the status of his over due deliverables.

I am sure I will pay for it on Monday. My manager needs his ego stroked and this guy practically sucks his ego into manic phase. I sit there watching him...and my manager...and stare in amazement...wow...he is totally falling for it.

Work hard, be kind, enjoy life. Be a champion. Don't talk bad about others.

I know I know...I did it in my blog. This is therapy and I was very positive in my email. Any other person wouldn't have responded or would have told him where to go.

I don't want to build enemies. I want to build friends. Think long term.

My sister's new house

Went to my sister's and her fiance's new house yesterday. Sweet mother of Jesus. It was huge. 3700 sq ft. Just for the two of them. They look like they live quite lavishly. They buy top of the line everything. Their kitchen is like a Williams and Sonoma catalog. I am a little nervous that they have stretched themselves thin. Who knows. I know that they are not going to have kids. They both need to be working to pay off this mortgage.

My sister cooked Moroccan. Not big on Moroccan. Not big on Cumin and Cinnamon in my meat and vegetable dishes. We were going to make a fig jam, goat cheese and toasted walnut Bruschetta. My sister bought Feta cheese instead...and claimed that Feta is the same as Goat cheese. IT IS SOOOO NOT. Would have been better with the goat cheese.

She made a rice pudding...with risotto rice....ummm...very bland.

My sister needs to cook more. She needs an Isadora to help her dishes. That is how I learned. Isadora always new how to rescue a failed recipe. She also knows how to substitute.

I think my sister will get a lot better and I applaud her effort. I started that way. It is nice to go and try new recipes. It is amazing how you can cook a gourmet recipe at home...for a fraction of the cost. You need to understand that chefs are experts because they can cook for 100 people at the same time, because they can manage a kitchen, because they can chop, slice, saute really fast. They know what is in food when they taste it. They are experts.

But anyone can cook for two or four people with a good recipe and fresh ingredients.

We played Trivial Pursuit. My sister and I against Isadora and my sister's fiancee. Two teams. Isadora and Steve kicked our asses. Trivial Pursuit has changed a lot since 1984. Now you have question levels 1 to 6. 1 easy. 6 hard. You get the question level depending on your dice role.

My sister and I were rolling high numbers all night.

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go! I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night". Age 5 I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30 I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42 I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44 I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48 I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51 I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65 I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92 I've learned that you should pass this one on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. Non Microsoft browsers Hideaway Classic Fun Pages Graphic Art and Web Page By: Mark C. Phillips Song: Seven Spanish Angels Midi By: Dick Anderson djcc@c2i2.com Copyright © Solo's Hideaway Fun Pages

Victim of Resource Constraints

Things are not going well for me. It looks like my hunches were correct. Sometimes when you are paranoid....you are right. Snake is headed in the direction of becoming the project manager. We just don't have a lot of development resources or business analyst resources.

This sucks. I can do all 4 and really well. But there is no one that can do development really well.

Oh well.

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard. Be a champion.

I need to find another job. It has been 5 years. The situation hasn't improved. Sometimes you just have to know when to move on. You can't be perfect for every area. Manager's have enjoyed my company and valued my input in the past.

My Insane Idea

I am tired of children dying in Palestine and no major media reporting it.

Tired of the whole Israel thing.

Here is my plan:

Jordan takes the Palestinians with support from the other Arab Nations
The Jews get Saskatchewan, Canada...rename it to SaskatJEWan
If Jordan doesn't want the Palestinians...then we give them NewFoundLand, Canada.
Declare Israel a World Heritage National Park for the next 100 years (like the Galapegos islands)

Hmmm...don't really know what category to put this under...

The problem with my bed

It is so damn hard to get up in the morning. I love my bed. It has a duck down feather blanket and the bed was the third most expensive bed they had at the store. It is really nice.

To top it all off, Darryl snuggles up to me. Isadora snuggles up to me. The cats lie on me.

I generate a lot of heat. On cold nights, everyone gravitates to me.

Which I love. But it makes it so hard to get up.

Especially when NPR is on. Everyone has such a soothing voice on NPR.

"Tell me about this literary character of yours. How do you see him in a post modernist Poland?"

As opposed to AM radio...

"THE LIBERAL GAY HIPPIES ARE EATING OUR CHILDREN!!!"

Maybe I should listen to AM radio more.

Finished my project plan

The bulk of it. Now to review it with my manager and the snake.

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard.

Kind of like Eat, love, pray....but if I do that then I will get fatter.

Today I did well until I found a tray of danishes in the accountants kitchen. They always have something. A lot of obesity compared to the average department.

Abdula showed up for work today. Now he is running around trying to get up to speed on everything I did.

But I be kind. Too stressful to be mean. Enjoy life. Work on your project plan and show him when you are ready.

People figure it out on their own.

Goals Jan 9th, 2009

What I did last night

• I played with Darryl.
• I lied on the couch and read the economist
  
• I went to bed at 9:00
• No excercise
  
• I got up at 4:21

What I will do tonight (It's Friday)

• I play with Darryl
• Take Isadora and Darryl to Dumpling King (Isadora's favorite restaurant)
  
• I give Isadora a foot massage
• I go for a walk

Daily mantra on a big day

Be kind. Enjoy life. Work hard.

I will be kind. I will enjoy life. I will work hard.

Tommorrow is a big day

We are going to continue going over my project plan. We are going to review the vendor's project plan.

By tomorrow afternoon, I should be thoroughly confused. I doubt it. The more I read their project plan....I am like...this is so ridiculous. They have a business analyst set up to install hardware. What?! This is the same guy who spent 6 months telling me that he was the "Guru in the corner". Well now you are the "Guru on the bench!"

Can you tell I have had coffee? Has my writing voice changed? Man, I love this feeling. As long as nothing goes wrong and I don't have to interact with people.

If I could spend the rest of my life writing in an apartment in a beautiful Italian village with great restaurants and LOTS of coffee. I would be a happy man!

Currently, I am a prisoner. Surrounded by a million unknown unknowns that I have to remain calm, detached, logical and controlled to address at any God given moment.

I am calm. I am kind. I work hard. I enjoy life.

The eternal pessimist

Well we had our little meeting on the project plan. The snake was so hyper. I remained calm. I thinks she thinks I have never done a software project before. I love listening to her talk down to me. Big show for the boss. Oh well.

Always remember this....Criticism only helps the critiqued. Once they share their knowledge with you....they can't take it away.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

I just want her buy in so I don't have to hear her "I knew it would never work."

Ralf Nader once said something at a speech. "It doesn't matter if you are an eternal optimist or an eternal pessimist...either way you are not thinking."

She is an eternal pessimist. She runs around saying "Oh that won't work." When things do work...she remains silent. When things don't work....stand back because she is going to scream "I told you so!" from the tallest building.

Having coffee

Can't help myself.

I will be kind, enjoy life and...work hard.

Forgot that last one. Doesn't seem to go with the first two. The minute you start working hard, you piss someone off.

The vendor doesn't want to send us the migration scripts.

What the hell....

I have to work with a fellow employee that is a snake. Be kind. Enjoy life. Be nonjudgmental. Do not speak bad of anyone.

Focus on the solution.

Darryl punches a kid in the nounou

Darryl punched a kid in the nounou.

I am not so much upset about this. I am more upset that Alex, an older kid, told him to do it...and he listened. I am upset that when Isadora asked him why he doesn't like the other kid, Darryl said because he is black or "Dark". We are not racist at all. It was Isadora that set up the play date with the child from his class and his mother. Both whom are "Dark". Now the problem is...where did he learn that word. They don't say it on the Disney channel. My wife and I never say it.

I think it is one of the kids at school named "Nine". He is very possessive of Darryl and hates anyone that threatens his "exclusivity" with Darryl. His parents are wealthy but rough.

Darryl feels bad. God I hope he does. I think he realized how shocked we were. How sad we were that he does what this other boy tells him to do. And that he used racism.

God...who would think that there was so much outside influence. We really hoped that we were the ones that influenced him.

Isadora is going to arrange more play dates with the Dark family. Because Alex (his name is Alex too) is a sweet articulate kid. He has the same nice sweetness as Darryl. They would make great friends. Darryl seems to like the bad kids. We need to put a stop to that so he doesn't become like my sister. He is the only child we have.

Isadora needs to stop hanging out with Jennifer and Alex (the kid that Darryl listens too).

How the rest of the day played out

What I did last night

• I played with Darryl.
• I lied on the couch and watched a movie
• I went to bed at 10:30
• I got up at 6:00

What I will do tonight

• I play with Darryl
• I give Isadora a foot massage
• I go exercise
• I get to work at 7:00

Foot massages for Isadora

I need to give Isadora a foot massage tonight. If Darryl does not want to be played with. I need to at least hug her.

She likes:

Compliments
Hugging
Foot massage

Come here, you are beautiful, put your feet up.

The world is my oyster

I am the greatest. I am joy. I am kind. I wish all good things to everyone. Joy and kindness towards everyone is wonderful.

I do not miss coffee because I love the new me. I love who I am.

Daily mantra

Be kind, Work hard, Enjoy life.

Enjoy the challenges, enjoy the good times. Recognize that bad times will come. Recognize that good times will come from hard work. Recognize that bad times will come with hard work. Life is a bumpy ride. Keep your hands on the steering wheel.

I ate pizza. The accountants had it lying around. I was perfectly content. I feel like crap now.

Good one, Jeff.

I will not eat food that is present. It will not put crap into my mouth that will make me feel like crap.

Plans go astray

What happened:

I didn't get up early, because I listened to National Public Radio.
I didn't exercise, because it was raining and I was tired and I wanted to go to bed early.
I didn't go to bed early because I wanted to watch the Fringe and Frasier.
I didn't play with Darryl because he watched the Goofy movie until it was time to go to bed.

Tonight:

- I will play with Darryl instead of TV
- I will go to the Gym at 8:00
- I will return home and go to bed
- I will not listen to the radio tomorrow morning
- I will arrive at work at 7:00 am

Blogger Play

I have this Blogger play gadget on my blog. It shows pictures that people have posted to their blogs. It shows the things they love, the things that interest them, the things they are doing, the moments in their life that they want to capture and preserve and share. The pictures come in from all over the world. It is my window.

I think that if I can find a way to harness the interests and ideas of the blogosphere, it would show some incredible trends.

Problem:

Building a database big enough
Time

My big new book on Cunnilingus

Tonight I am going to go home, play with Darryl and go for a walk.

My new book on tape is about Cunnilingus....the whole damn book. It is called She comes first. Highly recommended relationship book on iTunes. It is hard to listen to 8 hours on cunnilingus. Especially since Isadora hates cunnilingus. She is very sensitive about her "smell". She smells fine. Can't wait till this book is over.

Today

Today turned out to be not such a bad day. The worst did not happen. Everything came together as best as I could expect.

No coffee for me.

Enjoy life. Be kind. Work hard.

We are going for it!!!

Well we are going for it! Screw the vendor! This is it! Allegi is jumping off the cliff with a parachute!!

YEEEEEHHHHAAAA!

Thank God...I feel so relieved. I really didn't want to be at the mercy of those Vendor!

I want to have coffee to celebrate!

No, it will change my mood and I will be pissed.

Solitude

I used to dream of having a job as a writer where I was in a glass room in a busy section of town. Where I could watch everyone and feel apart of it, but not have to interact and put up with anyone. I wanted to observe and be left alone.

I guess I never felt safe.

I hate solitude. I am programming now. I hate sitting in this office with no window. The internet is my window.

What it means to me to be a father.

I want to provide for my child emotionally, intellectually, physically and financially.

I want to make sure that my child grows up with a self esteem and feeling loved by a male role model. I don't provide that to him. I need to provide him more.

I want to help him grow smart. I want to make sure that he is ahead of the curve in school. I want him to feel good in school.

I spend too much time watching TV. No more TV during Weekdays. What is the purpose of learning so much about the world and ignoring your child. I teach Darryl that watching TV is what a man does when he comes home. Don't spend time with your son. Watch TV and relax and get ready for tomorrow.

No more TV. Find joy in being a Father.

President is pissed

What a piece of crap day. Apparently the President is pissed that the software implementation is not complete. He is pissed at the vendor.

Oh well. Be happy. Is anyone happy? Are the people at the top of this company happy? Do you need to be happy?

I wish the Christmas holidays lasted a little longer.

Today is the day of hell

Today, we have a meeting to discuss the project going forward. No one is saying anything to each other. Everyone is saving it for the meeting.

I have done everything I can. I am just going to let the cards fall where they may.

Getting worked up about it has never served me well.

Being passive, probably creates peace.

When I was worked up about it, I would let everyone know my hand. Therefore, everyone could come to the meeting with counter positions.

This way no one knows how I feel and what my beliefs are.

Well..they do, because we already sat down and had a meeting. This meeting we will discuss with our manager. More concrete decisions will be made.

Do I need to stay here? Do I need to go? I like it here. I have been to other companies. I need to learn to exist and work within a corporation. Life is pretty unpredictable on the outside. I didn't enjoy it very much.

I need to be happy and enjoy what I have. I have a lot. More so than the Palestinian man rushing his dying child to the hospital. Always funny how they talk about how many enemies were killed. Never about the civilians. Never about the children.

Message to the world: There are so many places in the world. If you don't like it...get up and leave. You can always rebuild home.

Maybe it is harder than I think. I did it. But that might not be true for everyone else.

Just too much going on in this world right now. Boy, did the bar ever get set low for Obama.

Be happy Jeff. This is your only life. You have a wife and son that love you and who are wonderful. You financially well off. You need to work on your health.

Be happy Jeff.

Happiness is a by-product

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
- Robertson Davies

Great happiness is a byproduct. A by-product of what? What possible event in my current life could I be happy about? My overall situation is fine.

- Survivable salary
- Isadora can stay home with Darryl
- Nice house
- Nice SUV
- Isadora and Darryl are happy
- I am competent at my job

I want to be happy all the time. Don't tell me it is biology. I want to be happy with my situation. Deep down I know it is very good on the grand scale of life.

Maybe I have spent so long chasing the future that I have never enjoyed the present and therefore regret having not taken advantage of the past.

I want a happy temperament.

Some asshole won the lottery. Take home: $23 million. The one time I don't buy a ticket. Damn it!

I am happy.

Where does happiness come from?

Happiness from within comes from settling and enjoying what you have.

This is my current belief.

If you chase with zeal, you will suffer the whole way.

Work hard. Work smart. Keep your mouth shut. Be kind.

These are my thoughts to myself.

Above all. Stay away from caffiene. It feels good. Then the anxiety kicks in which leads to insanity.

Sip my tea in peace and warmth.

T Ball

I signed Darryl up for T Ball and myself to be a Manager/Coach. I have no idea about T Ball. Seems they are always desperate for coaches. Darryl always wants me to be a coach. I used to coach swim team.

Problem. I am loud. I am fat. I am funny. However, sometimes "sensitive" parents don't take it very well. Neither do little sensitive girls. Actually, my best classes were kids that were Darryl's age. What am I talking about? My swim classes for 4 year olds used to be overflowing. Parents used to line up to watch me teach.

It was the parents with teenagers that had a problem with me. Mainly because I was more interested in getting A's in University than drawing up a swim practice. I used to make them up on the spot and then spend the entire practice stroke correcting. When their strokes got good enough, they graduated to the next level and then worked on speed and endurance. Hell we were practicing in a pool that was 200 degrees celcius. It was torture just coaching. Manon and I used to get wiped out half way through the practice from standing in the heat.

Sunday Rest, Monday Goals

I am going to go to bed at 8:00 pm. I am going to wake up at 5:00 am. I am going to arrive at work at 6:30. I am going to work like crazy to 10:00. That is my goal.

I am really tired and relaxed right now. I want to lie down and rest and relax. Chill out. This year is going to be crazy.

Tomorrow I am going to ask my manager if I can take over the project and do it all. Going with this current trend is crazy. We are going no where.

Tomorrow be ferocious. Tomorrow Conquer.

What to do

Trying to do too many things at once. I am trying to participate with family conversations, watch the football players and write a meaningful blog post at the same time.

I have no idea how the football game is going other than the score and statistics that they show on the screen from time to time. I have no idea what my wife and son are doing. Something about eating a pomegranate. That is there thing. I think they are bitter and annoying to eat. The only blog post topic I could think of is this....since I was living the experience right now.

I always do this. During my MBA, I was the most inefficient study machine ever. I would lock myself in a study room in the executive center on a Saturday morning at 7:00 am, prepared to study until 11:00 pm that night. Then I would start browsing the internet. Go get McDonald's. Work out. Rent a movie at the local Blockbuster and watch it on my laptop.

I suck.

No. I am beautiful. I am wonderful.

I am creating anxiety for myself. Pick something to do and do it.

Monster Jam Aftermath

Recovering from Monster Truck Jam. Wallet is recovering.

$8.00 - Nachose
$7.00 - Beer
$5.00 - Popcorn
$5.00 - Water
$5.00 - Baseball cap
$15.00 - Flag
$10.20 - PreJam Starbucks run

Any car trip longer than 20 minutes requires a mandatory Starbucks run.

...wonder where my anxiety came from?

I always had anxiety. Then again...I drank alot of Cherry coke before I drank coffee.

Man...caffeine everywhere.

I treat my son like he is out of it. He isn't out of it. He is just not caffeinated. Why can't you be on edge like your Daddy?! Why can't you be expecting the world to end at any moment like your Daddy?! The economy is going to collapse and America is going to seize to exist!

Where art thou? or Why art we?

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?”

- Epicurus

As an agnostic. I am open. My response to atheists is....what if this is a challenge. What if we do not ascend to heaven until we have reached inner peace. Only at that point are we worthy of being an angel. People like Hitler get recycled to the most simplest of organisms and begin rebuilding their soul.

I believe that heaven is the energy, much like Lucas' force. When we die we get recycled. The goal of this life is to find inner peace and joy from within.

I think I am going to be recycled a couple more times until I ascend to heaven for good. I hope to find inner peace and joy and then I would like to come back for one more run as a playboy billionaire and just go CRAZY!

The Last Temptation of Jeff

I think the term "old soul" means that the child is close to Ascension.

Monster Truck Jam Tonight

What am I doing? I am existing. I am relaxing. We went to get Indian Buffet today. Oy. I am stuffed and relaxed. I could watch football all evening, but tonight we are taking Darryl to Monster Truck Jam. It is an annual family tradition. We started the tradition when he was 2. It is a surprise every year for him. It is the only three hour event he can sit through. I on the other hand am bringing my iPod. The first year they spent 45 minutes racing and 45 minutes destroying things, including a camper. Last year they spent 3 hours racing. Apparently, the next night was the smash 'em crash 'em event.

WHY WOULD ANYONE GO TO A MONSTER TRUCK JAM TO WATCH THEM RACE?

If I want to see things go fast, I go see a Formula 1 race or NASCAR (although I like the crashing in NASCAR).

3 hours of giant trucks...racing each other...and not crashing...

This event is when we mesh with the common folk. People show us pictures on their cell phones of the deer they shot with their fully automatic 50 caliber bow and arrow, capable of firing 200 arrows per second. Friggin' deer looked like a bowl of spagetti and meatballs with a big antler on top.

Darryl loves the blue collar stuff. NASCAR and Monster Trucks.

Daddy loves the fine life. Cooking, Cinema, Reading and relaxing.

Mommy loves the frugal life. Buying recycled, reused and cheap.

The odd family.

I need to win the lottery.

The Native American Migration to Asia

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/01/02/comet.diamonds/index.html

Well the mainstream media is finally starting to admit that Native Americans migrated to Asia and not the other way around.

I have often wondered why there was a such a difference in features between Indians and Asians. The Himalayas are in between them but people have been cross back and forth the Himalayas forever. From Europe to India, people get progressively darker. However, their features stay the same for the most part. Then you get to China and all features are completely different. You would think that if people had coexisted along the Chinese/Indian border that there would be a progression of the same features.

But is evident to me that the two groups of people did not co exist until quite recently on the evolutionary time frame.

I believe that Native Americans were forced to leave the continent across the Bering Strait and invade Asia.

Buddism has a lot more in common with Native American religions than Hindi.

Working from home

I am working on Jan 2nd from home. Nice and relaxing. You can get a lot done when working from home. The trick:

1) Wife needs to be home so that you do not slack off and start watching movies
2) Lock yourself in the bedroom, so that you do not slack off and start watching movies
3) Make sure your children do not keep going in and out of your bedroom asking pointless questions just to be around you.

If you can accomplish all three then working from home becomes productive.

Accomplishments

Ok time to start working. I have a career. My sister worked through the holidays but she has every second Friday off. What am I feeling guilty for?

I am not. I just want to accomplish something. In this project it has been awhile since I accomplished something. Well...I should say that I accomplished a lot but it has not been reflected because the application is not in production or in the hands of the users for testing.

I need to remember why I signed on for this job. I like the subject. It is an interesting topic to learn.

I need to learn to enjoy it again.

Embrace all good that comes to me

Writing is so therapeutic and productive. If I was going to give someone with anxiety a piece of advice it would be to start blogging. Blog away. Get stuff out onto paper. Create your most beautiful life by attaching pictures.

I believe that I deserve all the good that will come to me. I believe that I will choose all the great decisions that will come to me. I am great. I can do everything. Anyone would be happy to have me as a friend, employee, husband, son and father.

Everyone around me is wonderful.

Everything in my life is wonderful.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I shoudl be thankful for it. I am thankful for it.

I embrace all good that comes to me.

Goals 2009 - Reaffirmation

My purpose for next year.

Get software into production
Get happy from within
Get healthy
Get rich

My anxiety seems to have left

Tomorrow I am going to work on the integration. Get it done. My manager should be happy. Can't hurt.

A lot of my coworkers dropped the ball on this. I was managing them. But I assigned 4 people to it. I figured 4 monkeys could write Shakespeare.

I be wrong.

4 monkeys write more crap.

Oh well. This is pretty easy.

It will relieve my anxiety.

Darryl learning It, mit, sit, bit and fit

Darryl can do AT, SAT, MAT, BAT and CAT with no problems. So today I started him on IT, MIT, SIT, BIT and FIT. I started with IT. I showed him over and over again. He didn't pay attention. Then I asked him to write it. Then we was focused. Wha what how did you write that?

IT. Eye Tee. IT.

IT?

IT. EYE TEEEEEE. Iiiiiiiiituh.

iiiiiiiituh?

ituh.

like this?

Yay!

Now do Mit.

mmmmtuh.

No, mmmmmiiiiiituh. Don't forget the iiiiiituh.

Does it have an Aye in it?

No. EYE TEE. Just like iiituh. What does Mit start with.

mmmm. An M?

Yeah!

Now what?

You tell me. mmmmmiiiiiiituh!

EYE?

Yeah.

Then a TEE?

Yeah!

MIT! THERE!

Good job Buddy! Now do Sit. Sssssiiiiituh.

Growing anxiety

Went for a walk today. I am really stressed out. It has been 2 and 1/2 months since the vendor was walked off site. They don't seem to be able to get their act together but they want to come back on site.

I went to talk to my manager about me taking over the migration. Just screw the vendor. He wants to talk about it with my two piers on Monday. I am nervous that he has lost faith in me.

I believe in myself. I just don't believe in other people. Other people suck. They really do.

Great attitude but you can't count on others. I can always count on me and people can count on me.

I need to find happiness from within. I think being totally physically fit would make me happy. If I looked incredible that would make me happy. I would have self respect.